Listening to My Own Voice

How cool is this? It’s so big! So flexible it its uses…There’s only one picture. I took it off Facebook where there were several pictures of it.

Yesterday I bought a desk for my upcoming art garage. It’s really big, about seven feet by three feet.  It has a drafting table top that is hinged to the table, so you can elevate your work space a few inches. Or however much you want to, actually.  I found it on Facebook Marketplace, and I knew of its owner. He has been an architect in my town for many years. I thought it would be good juju to buy his desk because he’s so good at what he does.  He is also an artist who paints the most beautiful paintings.

I originally went to meet his daughter to buy a begonia in a yellow pot. Before I got there, I found that they were also selling some desks and cabinets. This one is so big, with all those cubbies on the sides and the drawers for tools and that hinged top that can open out to make a huge space to lay out a quilt or something. It’s so great! And the best part is it was only $50!

After I bought it (so no one else could) I had to figure out how to get it home. My son in law with the truck is the obvious answer. He’s always very nice to me, so I figured he’d help me out. He still doesn’t know about it. It’s really big. But so is his truck and so is he so I think we can make it work.

The biggest obstacle right now is that my garage is a hell-hole of a mess. All that stuff I brought home from school last June has multiplied, I swear. It was one little Prius-full, but now it seems like I’d need a U-Haul moving truck to get it all out of there. I keep going out to clean it up and I get immobilized by it all so I sit down and paint for a while, or do a load of wash and go inside where it’s clean and putter around. Or watch a little TV. Yep, in the daytime. (And I judge people who watch daytime TV. Retirement is destroying my previously firmly held beliefs about a lot of things.) But I digress.

Shortly after I bought it, my daughters invited me to join them for diner at a community food truck event at the Elk’s Club. I went straight there, parked about forever away, and walked to the event. When I finally found my girls, bought my food and we sat down to talk and eat, I told them about my great find. One of them, not the one with the husband with a truck whose help I’m looking forward to, looked at me with a skeptical look on her face and said, “Did you buy it on Facebook Marketplace?” As if that was the dumbest thing a person could do. As if I do that all the time and often buy dumb stuff.

That look crossed her face that people get when they think you are impossibly unrealistic, or maybe just kind of tiring. I’m still not sure why she felt that way. It’s not like I’m a inveterate Facebook Marketplace loser. I get good stuff there. And I really don’t even go there very much. I said, “Well, I need a worktable for the garage. I don’t think anyone is going to build me one, so this one looked good.” I think her objection was its size. She must think it’s unreasonably big. And she could be right. But she could also be wrong. I think it might just be the best thing ever.  The exact thing I need. I’m motivated to get out to the garage this morning to make some room for it. The possibly dumb thing I bought was the begonia. The yellow pot looked really big in the picture that drew me in, but it’s actually quite small. If she paid $30 for it she got taken. But, again I digress.

The reason I’m bothering to write about this is this: even though I like this item quite a lot, and think it will be a good thing for me, in fact exactly the thing I need, I let that voice of doubt slip right in. I lay awake for quite a while last night, berating myself for my dumb move, and now what will I do with it? It really is so big. What was I thinking? Should I forfeit my $50 and say never mind, I don’t want it? But I do want it. I do. But really? What will I put in the cubby holes? Where will I actually put it? What will i actually use it for? Can I paint on it? Do mosaics on it? I tossed and turned, arguing with myself.

This morning I have set aside all the uncertainty and indecision. I acted on my inner voice when I bought it. I felt that bolt of clear energy, pure excitement on finding it, and that is what is true. Not someone else’s doubt, no matter how much I love her and trust her judgement. I have to listen to my own clear voice. And that lesson, the remembering to trust my own vision, is worth the $50 I paid for the behemoth of a desk.  She may have to deal with getting rid of it someday, but between then and now, I will make some art on it and I’ll get my $50 dollars’ worth.  Actually the dumb thing I bought is the begonia. I paid $20 for that tiny little thing. Now to go make some room for the desk. It’ll have a begonia sitting on one corner, I’m pretty sure.

Advertisement

• Starting Anew