On releasing that which doesn’t serve us

The other morning as I walked along this white sand beach I was thinking about the things that bind us up. I began to think about substance abuse. (Because doesn’t everyone think about substance abuse while walking on a pristine white beach with a breeze blowing a balmy 35 degrees? That might be the first clue to my need for some help.) This has been on my mind a lot lately because I have an addiction that I just can’t seem to kick and I feel my health demands that I do so. I come from a family with a history of alcoholism. I never began drinking because I feared I’d become an alcoholic too. The danger was high and I wasn’t willing to risk it. That didn’t keep me from marrying one, but that is not the subject of this blog post.

I am completely addicted to sugar. I have quit it before, and as long as I stay away completely I can stay off.  I feel way better when I’m off sugar. When I mention that I have to completely avoid it, some well-meaning person will say “That’s not realistic. You need to be able to have a treat sometimes. Just learn to control yourself and only have one _________ (fill in the blank with anything sugary). I quickly agree with them, and help myself to whatever the treat is. And maybe I’m content with that the first time. But there always comes a second and and third and pretty soon I’m taking extras in my pocket for later on, or I’m casually helping myself to a second portion, as though the first one wasn’t a thing, or as if I won’t go off the deep end. I take some home for later, and maybe just pop into the supermarket for a carton of ice cream. Organic ice cream is okay, right? No. It’s not okay because I know that I will have to eat at least half of the carton at one sitting. Maybe even the whole thing. For a sugar addict like myself there is no such thing as just a tiny little bowl of ice cream. I always marveled at my mom who could have a little ice cream in a custard cup and two tiny Trader Joe’s cookies and be satisfied. I would have my ice cream in a big bowl and eat all the cookies. No question about it.

As I write this I hear the voice of a friend of an alcoholic offering just one beer, not realizing that there is no way that will only be one beer. Or one hit of meth or whatever nasty thing a person is addicted to. There is no way a person who is not an addict can understand the needs of one who is. Someone who can have only one just doesn’t get someone who can’t.  That is not a failing of that person, but we who are addicted to something have to know better than to listen to them.

I hear you. You who are suggesting that my equating an addiction to sugar to that of alcohol or methamphetamines is bunk. You think I’m being overly dramatic, making a mountain out of a molehill, and I get it. You can buy sugar at every single place that sells anything. You can buy it at any age. How can it be like a controlled substance? Well, it is and it isn’t.

It’s like it because I can’t say no to it. Or maybe I can for a little while, but once the idea of it is in my head it will buzz in there until I go get the thing. For example, someone mentions Junior Mints, and how they always used to eat them in movies. That will begin the buzzing. Hm…Junior Mints aren’t that bad. The chocolate is dark and they are really small. Well if you only ate one or two maybe it wouldn’t be such a big thing, but I know I will want a movie size box of them. And I won’t quit eating them until all are gone. And then I’ll look around for what other sweet treat I can eat. Maybe some organic ice cream…

Sugar isn’t like alcohol or other drugs because it isn’t a controlled substance. Bingo! It isn’t controlled so it’s socially acceptable to be addicted to it, unlike drugs or alcohol which are controlled by the law.  You can’t buy drugs within the law at all. And alcohol is at least controlled for age. I don’t think a recovering alcoholic would think that is enough control, but I don’t know enough about being one of those to even talk about it. None of the alcoholics I’ve been related to ever recovered from it.

The thing about sugar is that it is responsible for so many bodily ailments. It is highly inflammatory, and that leads to all sorts of illnesses. If you Google “Effect of sugar on…” you have a choice between brain, body, blood pressure, liver, skin, mood, health and plant growth. Okay, leave out plant growth. I didn’t read the whole thing, but apparently it’s not so good for plants either. Listen to all this:

1. Your Brain: Eating sugar gives your brain a surge of dopamine, which feels really good. But in order to continue to get the same level of good feelings you need more and more sugar. This helps create that addictive craving for sweet treats.
2. Your mood: When you first eat sugar you get that dopamine ‘high’ and you feel great. But as it is absorbed, you ‘crash,’ which leads you to feel anxious. Eventually this can lead to depression.
3. Your teeth: Your mom undoubtedly told you all about sugar and cavities so I won’t. But it’s true. Eating sugar causes cavities.
4. Joint pain: Sugar causes inflammation which can cause your joints to ache. Studies show that sugar consumption can actually lead to rheumatoid arthritis.
5. Your Skin: As sugar attaches to proteins in your bloodstream they create something called AGEs (advanced glycation end products) which make your skin look old. In short, it causes wrinkles!
6. Your Heart: Oh my, this is huge. The excess insulin in your bloodstream can cause your artery walls to grow too fast, causing damage to your circulatory system. It can lead to heart attacks, heart disease and strokes.
7. Your pancreas: When you eat too much sugar your pancreas tires out from putting out all the insulin that is needed to process it. Eventually it shuts down, setting you up for pre-Type 2 diabetes and heart disease.
8. Your kidneys: If you have diabetes, too much sugar can lead to kidney damage.
9. Your liver: Fructose can trigger your liver to build up fat around itself, leading to non-alcoholic fatty liver disease. This was rarely seen before 1980 when sugar consumption began to be so huge in the U.S.
10. Your Body Weight: Ugh! Do I ever know this story. The more sugar you eat, the more you weigh. Especially watch for sugar sweetened beverages. They really pack on the weight.
11. Sexual health: Too much sugar can make men impotent. This goes back to the part about circulation problems. The blood can’t get to where it needs to go. Enough said.
12. Cholesterol: There is a connection between excess sugar consumption and the elevation of bad cholesterol. I think this has been surprising because people have always connected bad cholesterol with fat consumption, but studies are showing a connection that involves sugar.
13. “Type 3 Diabetes:” A Brown University study found a connection between a high-fat diet, insulin resistance and Alzheimers. They likened it to “diabetes of the brain.” In this case the brain’s ability to use glucose and produce energy is damaged.
14. Sugar makes you hungry: When you regularly eat too much sugar, your body loses the ability to tell when you’ve had enough to eat. You still feel hungry even when you are overeating. Back to the overweight thing.

Have you read enough yet? It’s overwhelming isn’t it? I’ve included links to the articles I read so you can read the plethora of details for yourself.

Sources: Web MD , Prevention Magazine , Health.com, Dr. Mercola, Wellness Mama

Once again, I’m convinced. I can easily forget all these things when I’m on a roll with sugar, but I never don’t know it. I just look the other way. So what am I going to do about it? It is clear to me that I need to quit eating it. I was pretty much sugar free for the past week while on vacation, not because of virtue, but because of availability, so I guess this is a good time to keep it going. The thing to remember is I have an addiction to the stuff, and I can’t just decide my way out of an addiction. Cold turkey only lasts until I pass the ice cream freezers at the supermarket, so here are a few things I will do, in case you might want some suggestions too.

1. Drink more water. When you crave sugar there is a good chance that you are thirsty. As we get older our body disguises thirst as sugar craving. So I will try drinking a big glass of water whenever I crave sugar.
2. If I am craving emotional comfort and look for some sugar to assuage that desire, I will try EFT tapping. I have done a little of this and it is very calming . It isn’t just for sugar cravings or weight loss, but that is one thing that it is useful for. There is an excellent book about this by Jessica Ortner called The Tapping Solution for Weight Loss & Body Confidence. I got it on Audible, and I obviously can’t practice tapping while I drive, which is when I listen to books, but I will be setting aside time to listen and practice at home.
3. Sometimes people recommend using a sugar substitute like Stevia or honey or maple syrup. While I love those ideas just like I love sugar, they are just a substitute. For me, that will just lead back to the real thing. So I won’t be substituting some other substance for sugar. It’s the habit and practice I need to change, not the taste.
4. I think it’s a no-brainer to say that I’ll remove all of the sugar from my house. The ice cream in the freezer, those Kind bars I got at Costco, all of it. It will lurk until I eat it, so out it must go.
5. I always begin the day with a breakfast that has fat, protein and vegetables. That will continue. It makes me feel balanced and solid as I start the day.
6. Meditation. Purposeful calming and centering will be a helpful way to divert my energy from emotional eating, which always involves sugar for me.
7. Walking. When I walk regularly, even for half an hour, I feel centered and solid and less likely to have the emotional fluctuations that will lead to gobbling sugar.

This could go on forever. Thanks for hanging in with me until the end. This is such a big topic, and it affects so many of us that I think I have to just stop, rather than think I can actually finish. I will return to this topic as my quest continues, and would love to hear anyone else’s experience and suggestions about it.

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Listening to My Own Voice

How cool is this? It’s so big! So flexible it its uses…There’s only one picture. I took it off Facebook where there were several pictures of it.

Yesterday I bought a desk for my upcoming art garage. It’s really big, about seven feet by three feet.  It has a drafting table top that is hinged to the table, so you can elevate your work space a few inches. Or however much you want to, actually.  I found it on Facebook Marketplace, and I knew of its owner. He has been an architect in my town for many years. I thought it would be good juju to buy his desk because he’s so good at what he does.  He is also an artist who paints the most beautiful paintings.

I originally went to meet his daughter to buy a begonia in a yellow pot. Before I got there, I found that they were also selling some desks and cabinets. This one is so big, with all those cubbies on the sides and the drawers for tools and that hinged top that can open out to make a huge space to lay out a quilt or something. It’s so great! And the best part is it was only $50!

After I bought it (so no one else could) I had to figure out how to get it home. My son in law with the truck is the obvious answer. He’s always very nice to me, so I figured he’d help me out. He still doesn’t know about it. It’s really big. But so is his truck and so is he so I think we can make it work.

The biggest obstacle right now is that my garage is a hell-hole of a mess. All that stuff I brought home from school last June has multiplied, I swear. It was one little Prius-full, but now it seems like I’d need a U-Haul moving truck to get it all out of there. I keep going out to clean it up and I get immobilized by it all so I sit down and paint for a while, or do a load of wash and go inside where it’s clean and putter around. Or watch a little TV. Yep, in the daytime. (And I judge people who watch daytime TV. Retirement is destroying my previously firmly held beliefs about a lot of things.) But I digress.

Shortly after I bought it, my daughters invited me to join them for diner at a community food truck event at the Elk’s Club. I went straight there, parked about forever away, and walked to the event. When I finally found my girls, bought my food and we sat down to talk and eat, I told them about my great find. One of them, not the one with the husband with a truck whose help I’m looking forward to, looked at me with a skeptical look on her face and said, “Did you buy it on Facebook Marketplace?” As if that was the dumbest thing a person could do. As if I do that all the time and often buy dumb stuff.

That look crossed her face that people get when they think you are impossibly unrealistic, or maybe just kind of tiring. I’m still not sure why she felt that way. It’s not like I’m a inveterate Facebook Marketplace loser. I get good stuff there. And I really don’t even go there very much. I said, “Well, I need a worktable for the garage. I don’t think anyone is going to build me one, so this one looked good.” I think her objection was its size. She must think it’s unreasonably big. And she could be right. But she could also be wrong. I think it might just be the best thing ever.  The exact thing I need. I’m motivated to get out to the garage this morning to make some room for it. The possibly dumb thing I bought was the begonia. The yellow pot looked really big in the picture that drew me in, but it’s actually quite small. If she paid $30 for it she got taken. But, again I digress.

The reason I’m bothering to write about this is this: even though I like this item quite a lot, and think it will be a good thing for me, in fact exactly the thing I need, I let that voice of doubt slip right in. I lay awake for quite a while last night, berating myself for my dumb move, and now what will I do with it? It really is so big. What was I thinking? Should I forfeit my $50 and say never mind, I don’t want it? But I do want it. I do. But really? What will I put in the cubby holes? Where will I actually put it? What will i actually use it for? Can I paint on it? Do mosaics on it? I tossed and turned, arguing with myself.

This morning I have set aside all the uncertainty and indecision. I acted on my inner voice when I bought it. I felt that bolt of clear energy, pure excitement on finding it, and that is what is true. Not someone else’s doubt, no matter how much I love her and trust her judgement. I have to listen to my own clear voice. And that lesson, the remembering to trust my own vision, is worth the $50 I paid for the behemoth of a desk.  She may have to deal with getting rid of it someday, but between then and now, I will make some art on it and I’ll get my $50 dollars’ worth.  Actually the dumb thing I bought is the begonia. I paid $20 for that tiny little thing. Now to go make some room for the desk. It’ll have a begonia sitting on one corner, I’m pretty sure.

Welcome!

 

“Hamsa Hand.” Mosaic, 2016.

Hello. I’m so glad you decided to stop by and check out my new blog. For the past nine years I’ve had two blogs, one about teaching and one about whatever else I wanted to talk about. When I first started the personal blog, it felt like such a huge step! I was going to be writing about what I was thinking for the whole world to read. It felt especially daring because the first post was about being plus-sized, and how hard it was to buy cute clothes. I felt like my secret was out. Now everyone would know that I needed to buy those sizes. The joke was on me though. First, anyone who had ever seen me already knew that and second, nobody ever read the post. for a while it was an online journal, super private despite it’s public availability. The irony of the fact that its2008. address was “casimira,” which means “almost seen” in Spanish completely evaded me.

I started the teaching blog to share lesson ideas and to share my impressions of a trip I made to a TESOL conference back in 2008. Eventually it became a reflective place where I could tell stories about my students and my classroom, and the joys and struggles I faced there.

So, here I am, starting something new. This past June I retired from 25 years of teaching middle and high school English learners. I have nothing more to add to that blog, because, well, everyone knows that the minute you step out of the classroom your credibility as a teacher begins to fade. Plus I no longer have students to write funny or touching or sad stories about. So I’ve written my swan song there.

The other blog, as much as I love it, I haven’t touched in a year. A year. Since I’m starting a whole new chapter of my life, I decided lit was time for a fresh new site. I decided on the title, “Awake and Aware” because that is what I am and plan to continue to be. So here I am. Here we are. I’m so glad you’re here. Let’s see where this goes.